Visions of Tusks Dance in their Heads...
If you can ring in Christmas with merriment and Die Hard, there ain’t no reason I can’t do the same with Tusk.
No, you didn’t read that wrong. I said it. Tusk. You know…the one with the crazy old Canadian, Howard Hoes (played by Michael Parks), who lures an unsuspecting America podcaster, Wallace Bryton (played by Justin Long), to his home, where he indulges him in grandiose tales of nautical nonsense and cups of poisoned tea. A sly entrapment with one purpose: turning Wallace into a walrus.
Ring any bells? C’mon, you know the one. It’s that weird-ass movie featuring Johnny Depp, who plays Guy Lapointe, a whacky, wonky-eyed French-Canadian detective. But only a handful of people realized it was Johnny Depp, which in turn made the film all the more hilariously bizarre. You remember now, right?
Or maybe you don’t. In fact, I’m betting you haven’t the foggiest idea what I’m rambling on about. You’ve probably decided I’ve fallen victim to a fever dream or consumed some sort of hallucinogenic. Surely there’s a pharmaceutical explanation for this article. I get it. No one in their right mind would make a film about a man with a hardcore, non-sexual walrus fetish. Except…someone did. And his name is Kevin Smith.
Admittedly, I can’t call myself a Kevin Smith fan. I’m not terribly well versed in his body of work, but I’ve seen a few of his films and wasn’t terribly impressed. I did watch Tusk’s kinda/sorta spinoff, Yoga Hosers. Like…I actually sat through it…in its entirety. And while everyone loves comically bad Canadian accents, miniature killer Nazi sausages, and the return of Guy Lapointe, no one would call it a good film, though it has its charm.
Tusk, on the other hand, is a different animal entirely. It’s an oddity of sorts. To begin with, they managed to snag themselves some solid actors: Michael Parks, Johnny Depp, and Haley Joel Osment (the Oscar-winning baby child who saw dead people in The Sixth Sense). Not to imply Justin Long isn’t talented. He’s fine. No complaints. He manages to hold his own against Michael Parks. The film’s peppered throughout with charming performances by other lesser-known actors, one of which is Lily-Rose Depp, Johnny Depp’s daughter (fucking weird, yeah?).
Tusk has a decent cast. Funny and charming, with far more talent than you’d expect from a movie about a dude who wants to turn another dude into a walrus. As you might expect, the film offers some technical mediocracy: music, lighting, sound, cinematography, etc., which is perfectly acceptable. You’re not watching this peculiar film for its technical brilliance. You’re watching for its…let’s call it…prowess in absurdity. You’re watching tusk for the same reason people watch elderly porn, or videos of the Surinam Toad.
They all beg the question: Dafuq?
I can’t attest to Tusk being a great film, but it’s certainly not a bad film. It’s got some damn good actors. Despite some mediocre technicalities, its production value is solid enough, which I’d expect from an A24 film. And while the synopsis reads like a B-flick with few redeeming qualities, Tusk offers massive quantities of one crucial ingredient: absurdity. That’s what makes this film worthy of a watch: it’s unapologetic absurdity. Tusk doesn’t tip-toe around the subject of turning an unsuspecting man into a sea mammal. On the contrary, it drives straight into the center of it, turns on the flood lights, and force-feeds you some of the most bizarre material I’ve come across in my 38 years of professional movie-watching. The film’s quite literal in its telling. This, combined with some compelling exposition by Michael Parks, a few good laughs, and decent production value, allows for real entertainment, which is a great example of why I’m a fan of Tusk despite its shortcomings. Sure, it serves up some mediocrity, but it’s interrupted by shock, a heavy side of talent, a generous sprinkling of pure entertainment, and is topped off with brazen storytelling and unbridled absurdity.
This film very likely won’t be your cup of tea. The collective audience is probably going to have a pretty adverse reaction to it, which speaks to how unique Tusk is and why it wasn’t commercially released. The one guarantee I can offer is that you’ll never forget it. As for me, I’ll continue watching it every December. My initial viewing took place during Christmas. A beautifully decorated tree, garland and stockings hung by the fire, cookies fresh from the oven, and Tusk. A potent concoction, I assure you. From that moment forward, it solidified in my mind as a holiday film, and I invite you and your dark, twisted families (provided you’re blessed with fellow weirdos in your life) to fill your home this December with merriment and absurdity.
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