A Classic Chock-Full of Polyester Clad T&A!
I know what you’re thinking. How can I call this drivel a classic? After all, it’s just T&A wrapped in black, skin-tight polyester, with big hair and high heels to match. Sure, the car’s badass. Otherwise, it’s B-grade trash from the 1980s!
And you’d be right.
Elvira, Mistress of the Dark is a 1988 horror comedy about a well-endowed horror hostess with a bra size that far exceeds her IQ, and a dream of starring in a Las Vegas premiere. That kind of says it all. But it also kind of doesn’t.
The film is drenched in sexual innuendo and double entendres. The special effects are awesomely bad, and it’s safe to say the cast is riddled with actors who missed the “How to Act Real Good” day at drama camp. Nothing as bad as the acting found in Jean Rollin’s Zombie Lake (AKA: Boots, Boobs & Beaver Shots), or Night Killer (platinum plated trash), but Elvira, Mistress of the Dark knows how to slum. To its credit, it features Edie McClurg of Ferris Bueler’s Day Off. I also found William Morgan Sheppard (Uncle Vincent) somewhat compelling. He certainly outshines his playmates, and all with that wonky eye that really helps sell the crazy. Jeff Conaway has a role in the film, too. But let’s be real. He peaked at “A hickie from Kenickie’s like a Hallmark card”. Our leading lady has her moments, as well. She never brought home any Oscars, but Cassandra Peterson isn’t the worst actress to come out of Hollywood. And it wouldn’t matter even if she were. I’d argue that a brilliant actress would’ve ruined this film by falling short of the endearing quality Cassandra Peterson brought to the character over the years, long before the film's genesis. However, Brad Pitt did audition for a role in the film, well before making it in Hollywood. Cassandra Peterson vetoed him do to his good looks. Apparently, he wasn’t believable as an average kid.
Like much of the horror of the 1980s, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark is low-rent & low-brow. But it’s got one thing going for it, and that’s that it knows it’s cheap, and it shamelessly, unapologetically celebrates its tawdriness. That, my dear readers, is the great distinguishing factor between Elvira and…say…FRIDAY THE 13Th. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of Jason Voorhees. The films are their own breed of bad, but they’re pretty hilarious if you watch them with comedy goggles on. And no one kills like Jason. NO ONE. But the difference is that the first few installments actually took themselves seriously, which is why some viewers walked away with a bad taste in their mouths. To be fair, the franchise found its proper place within the horror-comedy genre around the midway mark, but there was a time when those films were actually meant to instill fear in us. Our favorite mistress, Elvira, doesn’t know how to take herself seriously, which begs the question: Why should we?
If ever I want to feel at home and need a warm & cozy movie from my childhood, I pop in Elvira. Okay, that’s a lie. First I watch Halloween, but then I watch Elvira. I can still remember walking the short aisles of all those small 80s video stores, before Blockbuster and Hollywood Video took over. Those little mom & pop shops with the naughty movie room in the back, separated by a curtain that never quite met seamlessly, allowing a sliver through which to spy all those colorful covers with scantily clad women in compromising positions. I was quite young, and that little room held no appeal to me, other than the curiosity it piqued in all kids. For me it was Elvira. I’d bolt from aisle to aisle, searching for my buxom mistress, and beg my mother to let me rent her. A was a little kid who loved Elvira as much as I loved Bruce, Michael Myers, and Santa Claus.
When I finally met Cassandra Peterson and explained to her my childhood infatuation, she laughed and said, “And you look like you turned out normal.” My kiddo and I looked at each other, waiting to see who’d laugh first. Normal or not, I can’t blame that on the big E, but I’m glad she made so many appearances throughout my childhood. From film, to TV, to seeing her at Knott’s Halloween Haunt, she, and this film, will forever be a source of wondrously stupid fun for me and my family. And no Halloween season will be complete without a healthy dose of my favorite Mistress.
If Elvira herself fails to pique your interest, do it for Gonk, the badass, rockstar poodle whose ill temper reportedly made filming one bitch of a task.
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